artyrian 2023-09-08 16:00:23

Judge Comment: I like how this story used safety in an interesting way, with the theme seeming to be that safety is never truly assured. Some things about it though that I wish were a bit better fleshed out are Alexeyev's motivations, and his leadership qualifications. Unfortunately it felt a bit quick how he was promoted and we didn’t see too much of his motives since it was mostly told to us instead of shown. Granted some of that is the form the story took with it being short and limited on word count, but I would have loved to see some more motivation. Maybe he lost someone he loves and now he is motivated only by protecting others (which could be further emphasized through his interactions with Bogdan). I also would have used the first battle sequence to show how in chaos he is a steadfast leader and protects everyone with reckless abandon. Some thoughts for the future, I like the concept and it definitely kept me reading!

JAMRIOT 2023-09-17 22:18:22

Judge Comment:

Hey! Thanks for your participation in the Writer's Jam! I can safely say this is one of my personal favorites I read. You did an exceptional job of keeping everything very thematic, and were able to create genuine emotion in such a short story! I appreciate the bold expression you have in your piece, and the fact that you made it try to aesthetically fit what I construed as a report on a military computer.

artyrian has some valid critiques, which I do agree with. I think some plot points that I would've expected to be emphasized were rushed, and I think your story would've benefited from more economic word usage in some places so you had more time to flesh out the parts that artyrian mentioned.

Again, great work, and *excellent* characterization! This really made me care for characters in a way I didn't know I could in such a short period of time! Thanks again for your participation!